I know I know ‘a sister has got some explaining to do!’
So where have I been?
I hope to explain in blogs to follow but I AM back and in full effect!.
You know what lovelies, I’ve held back for over a year on this series because I felt so disconnected from them that it began to irritate me reminding myself of this experience. The sheer exposure and all the criticism that came along with that was awkward too, so I chose to forget about it for a while until I felt nothing for either sides.
That’s the honest truth!
With every story there is a beginning, middle and end so its only right that I give you the final piece to the puzzle so please forgive the delay!
I really appreciate all your feedback and emails, this year has been such an eye-opener for me and I’ve challenged myself in arena’s I didn’t think were possible but I’ll explain that later!…
With much ado about something ;), I present to you the final piece from The Final Chapter Series, ‘Case Closed’…
God saved me when I was lost in sin
I thought I knew him
Thought He would understand me turning away from Him for a minute
we did try to include Him
Mutuality on loving Him was how it started.
We separated long before it ended
Didn’t go church for months
Was afraid they’ll expose me…
I dunno, coulda been a prophesy
(I was so in denial to what we refused to call each other, my heart and mind argued constantly)
I’m so tired of sinning and repenting again and again
Mocking the repentance prayer,
Never truly understood what it meant.
Repeating it numerously doesn’t mean a thing if your heart and mind are disconnected.
After a while I just blocked it all
Missing service wasn’t even a forethought
Thought a two minute half hearted prayer,
Forced cry and self-sympathetic demeanour would sort it
He knows my heart right?
Ok I’m back now, he understands why.
never truly understood why I depended on him
Coulda been the emotional absence of the first man…
Guess it only came natural to depend,
Just twenty years tardily on the wrong man.
Seriously put your work in when it comes to your wives and daughters
You’ll never fully understand why
Just be the perfect example of a man, not a monster.
I’m not twisted,
Love has been redirected to a distance
There’s no hatred in my memory,
Just acceptance that he shoulda just been a friend to me
But I’m glad were separate and I’m content with communication at a distance
I have no regrets
I’m now a better woman
My flaws were not in script but they were noted
I can’t correct the past
But I am making amends for my future
Presently aspiring and aiming higher
I’m still standing!
Like my girl Monica
I’m not hiding behind my poetry
My poetry is the rawness of me
So now, I’m exposed.
I regurgitate what I couldn’t digest or explain
In floetic prose.
Redefining my expections of my future man
Not materialistic at all…
I’d rather have a respectable man,
A family man
An honest man who knows what that means
(I was never offended by the other.
It was you who lied to me)
The deceit was my final ticket out of that cycle known as you and me.
Patiently waiting for a real man
A man who knows what that means (hope you know better now…I’ve been working on me)
A man who isn’t solely focused on a 1 series,
Quick money (with no investments)
How many ladies would,
What they could do under the hood…
He isn’t chasing a milli
His focus, determination and perseverance draw it in
He understands hard work pays it all.
Even the bills…
He doesn’t play Drake ‘Successful’ on full blast on repeat for hours
Looking all cut deep and sombre and …
Thinking singing along
‘I just wanna be, I just wanna be…’
Would draw it in
I know nuff bad man
A bad man a badda man who pull up in Audi TT’s, BMW 1 series
Thinking they’ve arrived…
Brother, I intend to pay off a mortgage.
Not your materialistic-can’t afford the monthly payments behind
5 year plans and all sorts, not saving to splurge on a car I can’t afford to maintain.
Trust, I have no problem with you being the head of the household…
Just. would. need. a real man to follow…
Please note that does not apply to every man
Your manhood does not qualify
Gym membership helps and in fact I’ll encourage you, I’m keeping in shape too
But if you have. No. Money. Left. and you’re doing it to ‘get girls attention’
You need not apply, application denied.
I will not be the ‘good Christian chick’ you ‘scooped, schooled and did’ and be an imitation of the chic you watched in the porn clip
I’m a woman, not a sideline, not eye candy
…though I definitely am and will be to the one I choose to marry
you are not a pimp
Understand you need to be a man of your word.
Yes or no – that’s it!
Don’t use ‘technically’ to justify your devious actions.
Speak and let me see it in action
The manifestation of your substance
Not the confusion of your utterance
If you want to play games,
Brother, holla at Sony or Panasonic – they have many!
I’m not a console; you can’t wipe my memory if you cheat
Or press buttons on another control pad when ‘you’re done playing’ with me; the right pad
As much as you guys can play tennis with our minds
Girls will fool you and leave you high and dry
Just stating the facts, continue thinking your bad
It will catch up on you one day and that day you’ll remember me.
Wanna sift out The Truth from a fraudster?
Ask them to define what a real man is and they’ll stall more than an inexperienced driver
Jet quicker than the dude on Maury after he said ‘You are not the father’
I am not into quick money, I’m not into being flashy.
It’s either you do or don’t have.
You don’t need to lie to me
I’ll never be ‘that chic’ on your shoulder
‘that don’t impress me much, at ahh oo oh’
Don’t play games with me.
That’s not a warning…
Just saying homie!
Don’t get the impression I’ll expose your business
I’m a private person…
When it’s personal,
There’s no ulterior motive in my smile or the way I treat people
Whoever they may be
You need not “watch out” because of me
Whatever dirt they may have on me
I don’t listen to hearsay, she said, she did talk
I’ll find out for myself who they truly are.
Don’t fake it at all.
Bump what you heard
Past don’t follow my present
Only in with forward movements.
I won’t hype it either
You won’t see it coming.
That all you need knowing.
Making happiness be accustomed to my environment; that’s all
You can’t suss that out in a day
And I know if you’ve tried to.
I don’t entertain fake.
Pride comes before a fall
I beg you to check me if you ever catch me bragging at all
Don’t think you men realise how serious your actions affect the women in your lives
‘Getting yours’ yeah?
Trust, it will never end there
another lost woman,
And another confused woman thinking a ‘sex ting’ is what she’s truly content with…
Another psycho chic busted!
And you have the nerve to tell her ‘don’t paint me with the same brush as the other’,
You won’t understand until you’ve truly loved another!
Truly loved with your heart, body and soul
Do you know how it feels to let love go, mourn and learn how to move on
Talking about no contact at all.
It’s not enough to say you will be different than the parent who left or
Was absent in some way or another,
Didn’t holla on your birthday or
Didn’t even offer a penny for your upkeep
Once again, you are not just a ‘love child’,
You are God’s child
He loved you first.
Yes, they left.
Please let them go, you’ve made it this far by yourself & guess what
You were never alone.
Do it for your future
Don’t repeat this!
Sort those feelings out
You are a product of your environment.
I know it hurts.
And you know what I’m talking about
The pain that is never on show
No one really knows
Only shows up when a prospect gets too close
You wonder if they’ll do the same as the first
You fear having a marriage like the ones who made you
It takes more than your money contribution or how you ‘lay it down’
We’ve got soooooooooo much to learn!
Let’s understand our roles as Godly women
Men, understand your responsibility as head of the household
We are your help meet
There has got to be a connection,
We would need to communicate
There is no inferior position
One can’t stand without the other
Understand a woman naturally wants to nurture
Don’t make her dread the thought of it.
Trust is something you earn.
Claim to be a man?
I’m not going to come off blind to the fact that this was eventually going to happen
Obvious signs of incompatibility is a clear sign of separation needed
But you were mine…
I believed that with my heart.
I don’t anymore.
The Final Chapter – Case Closed
Healing & happy reading, I hope most importantly this chapter has helped you evaluate your own actions as it has done for me. Yes it’s biased as it was from my perspective but I purposely chose not to edit it at all to give you a real insight to those feelings which I through the love of Christ no longer relate to.
“There is no hate in my memory. Real talk”
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Now, I disregard your bull
And like a child you’ll be treated
Complain if you want to but silence is golden and the best answer for a fool
I could never hate you and it will always be the opposite
(I wish you no more pain; I want success and happiness for you)
But best believe if you ask me something and I don’t respond in ‘your time’
and you shun me when I do respond, I won’t trip.
Couldn’t care for his attitude, ‘the does and don’ts’ and his stubborn ways,
That’s your bad
I’m fed up today.
I’ve been moved on and that don’t move me at all
Played the child games long enough to know when it’s time,
Time to grow up and move on
I’m no fool no more baby and I’m living mine
No more quoting false statements coated in pride
No more in directs
No more uncertainties
I’m living in reality
I can see clearly now
Before I was blind
My heart, body and mind belong to The Father – He’s my only guide
My fickle mind could never decipher The Truth.
It’s been a long rocky road
I’ve made so many mis-turnings to ‘wecanbecoolafterdeceit street’
Without walking and talking it through…
Thinking I can link to a one way of peace and civil-ness
without understanding you or
what you do
(without the hard shoulder)
It’s only gonna get better now that I’ve settled you’re gone
No more off and on
I’ve got goals and I’ve already achieved some
I’ll wait patiently for The Truth to come
Won’t get bored of waiting for the right one
I’ll choose to love outside the four walls and phone calls
Just be so comfortable that we’ll be free together
Be so sure of each other mind wouldn’t need to wonder
Make me wanna be a wife
Make me wanna be a mother
I’m talking 2-4 kids, thoroughly committed!
Choose to submit.
His & hers – I’ll design it!
Choose to follow me cos you know we’ll never split
My success is yours baby, remember this…
Grow old together and reminisce on ‘olden days
Have you blasting Musiq, sing Dontchange…
I must remember this and I’ll never forget it
‘How can I love somebody else, if I don’t love myself enough to know
When it’s time, time to let go’
I’m not in denial about the not so sweet parts of future relationships
But next time I’ll know what I’m in
I won’t be so confused to thinking friends do what we did
I’ll stand up for myself and have enough strength to leave a stubborn situation
I’m no fool no more baby
And I’m living my life
I Am Golden.
“My sunshine has come and I’m all cried out and there’s no more rain in this cloud…” – Angie Stone
Look out for the final piece ‘Case Closed’…
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