Hey lovelies!

I know I know ‘a sister has got some explaining to do!’

So where have I been?

I hope to explain in blogs to follow but I AM back and in full effect!.

You know what lovelies, I’ve held back for over a year on this series because I felt so disconnected from them that it began to irritate me reminding myself of this experience. The sheer exposure and all the criticism that came along with that was awkward too, so I chose to forget about it for a while until I felt nothing for either sides.

That’s the honest truth!

With every story there is a beginning, middle and end so its only right that I give you the final piece to the puzzle so please forgive the delay!

I really appreciate all your feedback and emails, this year has been such an eye-opener for me and I’ve challenged myself in arena’s I didn’t think were possible but I’ll explain that later!…

With much ado about something , I present to you the final piece from The Final Chapter Series, ‘Case Closed’…

Case Closed

God saved me when I was lost in sin

I thought I knew him

Thought He would understand me turning away from Him for a minute

we did try to include Him

Mutuality on loving Him was how it started.

——————————————

We separated long before it ended

——————————————

Didn’t go church for months

Was afraid they’ll expose me…

Jump up!

I dunno, coulda been a prophesy

——————————————

(I was so in denial to what we refused to call each other, my heart and mind argued constantly)

——————————————

I’m so tired of sinning and repenting again and again

Mocking the repentance prayer,

Never truly understood what it meant.

——————————————

Repeating it numerously doesn’t mean a thing if your heart and mind are disconnected.

——————————————

After a while I just blocked it all

Missing service wasn’t even a forethought

Thought a two minute half hearted prayer,

Forced cry and self-sympathetic demeanour would sort it

He knows my heart right?

Question is

Did I?

——————————————

Ok I’m back now, he understands why.

——————————————

Jesus,

I

never truly understood why I depended on him

Coulda been the emotional absence of the first man…

Guess it only came natural to depend,

Just twenty years tardily on the wrong man.

——————————————

Men,

Seriously put your work in when it comes to your wives and daughters

You’ll never fully understand why

Just be the perfect example of a man, not a monster.

——————————————

I’m not twisted,

Love has been redirected to a distance

There’s no hatred in my memory,

Just acceptance that he shoulda just been a friend to me

But I’m glad were separate and I’m content with communication at a distance

I have no regrets

I’m now a better woman

My flaws were not in script but they were noted

I can’t correct the past

But I am making amends for my future

Presently aspiring and aiming higher

I’m still standing!

Like my girl Monica

——————————————

I’m not hiding behind my poetry

My poetry is the rawness of me

So now, I’m exposed.

I regurgitate what I couldn’t digest or explain

In floetic prose.

——————————————

Redefining my expections of my future man

Not materialistic at all…

——————————————

I’d rather have a respectable man,

A family man

An honest man who knows what that means

(I was never offended by the other.

It was you who lied to me)

The deceit was my final ticket out of that cycle known as you and me.

——————————————

Patiently waiting for a real man

A man who knows what that means (hope you know better now…I’ve been working on me)

A man who isn’t solely focused on a 1 series,

Quick money (with no investments)

How many ladies would,

What they could do under the hood…

He isn’t chasing a milli

His focus, determination and perseverance draw it in

He understands hard work pays it all.

Even the bills…

——————————————

He doesn’t play Drake ‘Successful’ on full blast on repeat for hours

Looking all cut deep and sombre and …

Thinking singing along

‘I just wanna be, I just wanna be…’

 Would draw it in

Brother please…

——————————————

Trust,

I know nuff bad man

A bad man a badda man who pull up in Audi TT’s, BMW 1 series

Thinking they’ve arrived…

Brother, I intend to pay off a mortgage.

Not your materialistic-can’t afford the monthly payments behind

5 year plans and all sorts, not saving to splurge on a car I can’t afford to maintain.

——————————————

Trust, I have no problem with you being the head of the household…

Just. would. need. a real man to follow…

Please note that does not apply to every man

Your manhood does not qualify

——————————————

Gym membership helps and in fact I’ll encourage you, I’m keeping in shape too

But if you have. No. Money. Left. and you’re doing it to ‘get girls attention’

You need not apply, application denied.

——————————————

I will not be the ‘good Christian chick’ you ‘scooped, schooled and did’ and be an imitation of the chic you watched in the porn clip

I’m a woman, not a sideline, not eye candy

…though I definitely am and will be to the one I choose to marry

——————————————

Don’t

keep

being

sorry,

 you are not a pimp

Understand you need to be a man of your word.

Yes or no – that’s it!

Don’t use ‘technically’ to justify your devious actions.

Speak and let me see it in action

The manifestation of your substance

Not the confusion of your utterance

——————————————

If you want to play games,

Brother, holla at Sony or Panasonic – they have many!

I’m not a console; you can’t wipe my memory if you cheat

Or press buttons on another control pad when ‘you’re done playing’ with me; the right pad

——————————————

As much as you guys can play tennis with our minds

Girls will fool you and leave you high and dry

Just stating the facts, continue thinking your bad

It will catch up on you one day and that day you’ll remember me.

——————————————

Wanna sift out The Truth from a fraudster?

Ask them to define what a real man is and they’ll stall more than an inexperienced driver

Jet quicker than the dude on Maury after he said ‘You are not the father’

——————————————

I am not into quick money, I’m not into being flashy.

It’s either you do or don’t have.

You don’t need to lie to me

I’ll never be ‘that chic’ on your shoulder

‘that don’t impress me much, at ahh oo oh’

——————————————

Don’t play games with me.

That’s not a warning…

Just saying homie!

——————————————

Don’t get the impression I’ll expose your business

I’m a private person…

When it’s personal,

This isn’t!

——————————————

There’s no ulterior motive in my smile or the way I treat people

Whoever they may be

You need not “watch out” because of me

 Whatever dirt they may have on me

——————————————

I don’t listen to hearsay, she said, she did talk

I’ll find out for myself who they truly are.

Don’t fake it at all.

Bump what you heard

Past don’t follow my present

Only in with forward movements.

——————————————

I won’t hype it either

You won’t see it coming.

——————————————

I left

——————————————

That all you need knowing.

——————————————

Making happiness be accustomed to my environment; that’s all

You can’t suss that out in a day

And I know if you’ve tried to.

I don’t entertain fake.

——————————————

Pride comes before a fall

I beg you to check me if you ever catch me bragging at all

——————————————

Don’t think you men realise how serious your actions affect the women in your lives

‘Getting yours’ yeah?

Trust, it will never end there

Another heartbroken,

another lost woman,

And another confused woman thinking a ‘sex ting’ is what she’s truly content with…

Whoops!

My bad!

Another psycho chic busted!

——————————————

And you have the nerve to tell her ‘don’t paint me with the same brush as the other’,

You won’t understand until you’ve truly loved another!

Truly loved with your heart, body and soul

Do you know how it feels to let love go, mourn and learn how to move on

Talking about no contact at all.

——————————————

Relaters alike

It’s not enough to say you will be different than the parent who left or

Was absent in some way or another,

Didn’t holla on your birthday or

Didn’t even offer a penny for your upkeep

Once again, you are not just a ‘love child’,

You are God’s child

He loved you first.

——————————————

Yes, they left.

Please let them go, you’ve made it this far by yourself & guess what

You were never alone.

——————————————

Do it for your future

Don’t repeat this!

Sort those feelings out

——————————————

You are a product of your environment.

——————————————

I know it hurts.

——————————————

And you know what I’m talking about

The pain that is never on show

No one really knows

Only shows up when a prospect gets too close

You wonder if they’ll do the same as the first

You fear having a marriage like the ones who made you

——————————————

It takes more than your money contribution or how you ‘lay it down’

We’ve got soooooooooo much to learn!

Listen.

Let’s understand our roles as Godly women

Men, understand your responsibility as head of the household

We are your help meet

There has got to be a connection,

We would need to communicate

There is no inferior position

——————————————

One can’t stand without the other

Understand a woman naturally wants to nurture

Don’t make her dread the thought of it.

Trust is something you earn.

——————————————

Claim to be a man?

Prove it.

——————————————

I’m not going to come off blind to the fact that this was eventually going to happen

Obvious signs of incompatibility is a clear sign of separation needed

But you were mine…

I believed that with my heart.

——————————————

I don’t anymore.

The Final Chapter – Case Closed

Signed Golden

Healing & happy reading, I hope most importantly this chapter has helped you evaluate your own actions as it has done for me. Yes it’s biased as it was from my perspective but I purposely chose not to edit it at all to give you a real insight to those feelings which I through the love of Christ no longer relate to.

“There is no hate in my memory. Real talk”

Christina x

Now, I disregard your bull

And like a child you’ll be treated

Complain if you want to but silence is golden and the best answer for a fool

——————————————

I could never hate you and it will always be the opposite

(I wish you no more pain; I want success and happiness for you)

But best believe if you ask me something and I don’t respond in ‘your time’

and you shun me when I do respond, I won’t trip.

——————————————

Couldn’t care for his attitude, ‘the does and don’ts’ and his stubborn ways,

That’s your bad

I’m fed up today.

——————————————

I’ve been moved on and that don’t move me at all

——————————————

Played the child games long enough to know when it’s time,

Time to grow up and move on

——————————————

I’m no fool no more baby and I’m living mine

——————————————

No more quoting false statements coated in pride

No more in directs

No more uncertainties

I’m living in reality

I can see clearly now

Before I was blind

My heart, body and mind belong to The Father – He’s my only guide

My fickle mind could never decipher The Truth.

——————————————

It’s been a long rocky road

I’ve made so many mis-turnings to ‘wecanbecoolafterdeceit street’

Without walking and talking it through…

Thinking I can link to a one way of peace and civil-ness

without understanding you or

what you do

(without the hard shoulder)

——————————————

It’s only gonna get better now that I’ve settled you’re gone

No more off and on

——————————————

We’re done.

——————————————

I’ve got goals and I’ve already achieved some

I’ll wait patiently for The Truth to come

Won’t get bored of waiting for the right one

——————————————

I’ll choose to love outside the four walls and phone calls

Just be so comfortable that we’ll be free together

Be so sure of each other mind wouldn’t need to wonder

Make me wanna be a wife

Make me wanna be a mother

I’m talking 2-4 kids, thoroughly committed!

Choose to submit.

His & hers – I’ll design it!

Choose to follow me cos you know we’ll never split

My success is yours baby, remember this…

——————————————

Grow old together and reminisce on ‘olden days

Have you blasting Musiq, sing Dontchange…

——————————————

I must remember this and I’ll never forget it

‘How can I love somebody else, if I don’t love myself enough to know

When it’s time, time to let go’

——————————————

I’m not in denial about the not so sweet parts of future relationships

But next time I’ll know what I’m in

I won’t be so confused to thinking friends do what we did

I’ll stand up for myself and have enough strength to leave a stubborn situation

——————————————

I’m no fool no more baby

And I’m living my life

Because…

I Am Golden.

——————————————

“My sunshine has come and I’m all cried out and there’s no more rain in this cloud…” – Angie Stone

Look out for the final piece ‘Case Closed’…

I feel the need to help my emotions heal.

Love no longer lives here anymore

——————————————

That hurts.

——————————————

I’m in need of an emotional pick up

Cos I don’t want to come to terms with our season changing

——————————————

Playing what was our ‘Dreams’ by Boys II Men…

Just wish you were the singular latter and that be a reality

Not a sweet song that I’m clinging on….

——————————————

It’s funny that my glasses were always on inside, was I ever comfortable in this weather

Maybe that season came too early, cos there off now

——————————————

I thought he might want to know, that explains the contact with him (again).

——————————————

Now the shoe is on another leg

He did what I always knew he would

That spoiled too…

Never fully said, denied it and lied

Again.

——————————————

If I had known I wouldn’t have even bothered replying to the sweet nothings he sent.

——————————————

I didn’t want him back

He’s not mine to have

Just wanted to know if I still had it like that…

It could just be ‘hey, you kl’ nothing special.

I savour ‘1 New message’ and I’ll read it in a bit, 

just wanna do summin real quick,

come back and still see it.

——————————————

Smile,

just like the first time.

——————————————

But sometimes that pick me up does more damage than good cos ‘I’m good, u?’ doesn’t quite cut it and instead of one step closer to single contentment,

my heart and mind are arguing a-gain

——————————————

Only so long you can be stupid for love before you feel you’ve been made a fool of.

——————————————

Can’t do this random contact anymore, the signs are off and I can’t see

I hated that you had that over me

You may be the game but I’m no longer playing.

——————————————

The wax has run out on our candle and even if I wanted to,

How do I light a candle with no match.

——————————————

No need for specifics, you already know

Truth is, the best pick me up is no help at all.

——————————————

Realising that contact has actually stopped

and no,

that new text weren’t from him honey

It’s the new guy with no clue, potential number 2 or t-mobile with the bill…

——————————————

No more ‘let’s be cool’,

no more pick me ups

——————————————

I’m doing it on my own cos no rebound quite fits the bill for me

They shouldn’t anyway; I’m not the same as yesterday.

——————————————

Mature womanhood has taken over and I don’t see where you fit in my journey.

——————————————

I understand emotions heal and feelings change

——————————————

Today,

I’m on my own

Standing tall

With…

No glasses at all.

Look out for the follow up ‘I Am Golden’…

A lot of the time my mind was absent

But this time I’m sure on something

——————————————

I didn’t tell him though

Didn’t think I needed to

Thought goodbye…

Explained it all

——————————————

Now, I’m thinking…

——————————————

If I was to tell him directly

what would I have said…

Vex I didn’t say it then…

——————————————

I don’t miss the guy in front of me

I miss the guy you used to be

——————————————

I’m holding you, squeezing you tight

Wondering if you can feel

——————————————

I can feel you but you’re not here man!

There’s no connection here!

——————————————

I’m looking into this man’s eyes trying to find the door,

I’m knocking but no one wants to answer…

Like, is this really us?

——————————————

And yeah,

I know the house inside and out

Though I’m in front of this house and I know its appearance,

there’s something that’s not the same.

I don’t feel any connection

This is strange.

——————————————

I’m looking at this man and I’m hoping he can see the want in my eyes

(stamps feet)

Come on!

It’s me!

I don’t think he can see…this is not the response I wanted

He used to get excited when he saw me

——————————————

Now he’s so blasé about me

I’m feeling so uneasy

——————————————

Playing house isn’t fun anymore!

I’m tearing up inside

I don’t want to undo me and you

I’m going out of my mind!

——————————————

You’re making me insecure and ashamed.

The lights are on but I really wish they were off right now

——————————————

I’m not supposed to be here…

I need to give the keys back

They don’t belong to me

——————————————

You and I are no longer what we used to be

Could it be?

Have I gotten over you

You used to belong to me

And I belonged to you

——————————————

I thought she took him from me

She never had him at all…

——————————————

(Surely, I’m meant to feel jealous but I didn’t at all

Is that a sign that your love doesn’t live here anymore?)

——————————————

I’m looking into this man’s eyes and for the first time!

I’m walking out the door

——————————————

Never.

Coming.

Back.

No more.

Look out for the follow up ‘On My Own’…